Surprisingly Exciting

I got my first rejection! And it was both exceedingly polite and encouraging. I feel, well, rather happy about that. It's entirely a positive thing.

I've only queried about 10 agents so far, and most of their websites said 4-6 weeks' response time, so I was rather surprised to hear back from anyone yet (or at all...) I actually hope I get more rejection letters in this vain, because it was at least semi-personal and friendly, rather than just a form. I appreciate the response, anyways, and it gives me hope. And that's really what this is all about. Keep hoping until someone says 'yes!' [And then keep hoping until a publisher says 'yes!']

The Start of...Something

I signed up for Camp NaNo this year (April), but only set my goal as 'edit one novel', which I did. First edit, I mean, because I've a long list of things that need to be done with it now. But I made the list. And I finished the last round on another novel, so I guess I can say I 'achieved' NaNo this spring. It was a month filled with other things, and sometimes that happens.

But it's now May, and I promised myself I would start querying in May. So I have. My goal is to send a query letter out every week day until...well, until the end of the month, at least (which is how many agents I have in my Excel spreadsheet to query to). After that, I have to go looking for more. So that's about 20 or so agents. I'll start looking for more now, though, so I have 20 or so to query in June, and then etc. I could be doing more than one a day, but finding and researching them takes even longer than actually sending out the queries.

[I'll let you know what happens. Maybe I'll be one of those lucky people that doesn't have to send out a 100 before they get an agent. Maybe I won't be lucky at all (lack of luck going around in my life right now).]

I already have Book 2 lined up to query, so I figured I'll give Book 1 a few months, then try Book 2. Often you have to wait up to 8 weeks for a response from an agent anyways, and that's just for them to ask for your manuscript, not read it and report back if they want it. So the agent I queried yesterday might not get back to me with interest until mid-June or later. Or will probably not get back to me at all. Reality check.

I'm gearing up to have a go at the list for the next novel (see first paragraph), though there is A LOT to fix in this novel before I even send it out for beta-reading. And then there is Book 3, which I am blatantly ignoring for the foreseeable future, because it might be borderline crap (the story isn't, the writing is, it was my first novel) and need to just be scrapped and written again. And I can't deal with that right now. I already have another book for NaNo in November already lined up, which needs to be written AND edited that month (it's Middle Grade, it's like 40k). So I think I should just concentrate on editing this one between now and November. And querying the other two.

And if I hear from an agent, all bets are off on that schedule. :D

Further up and further in!

Titling or Tilting

You know, words are important for an author. The most important thing, in fact. It's what makes us writers, after all. But if the choice of words that is important; the order, number, and tone are often even more so.

This was no where more apparent to me than when I did my PhD. Novelising is one thing, academic writing another. I found 'tone' to be easy to come by. It was something that either comes naturally or you have to learn it (which is entirely possible). It wasn't hard to hit the right tone, for academia. I'd done a lot of academic writing before the PhD, and it came back naturally. It is mostly characterised by a formality not found in prose and a more traditional (and larger) vocabulary.

Voice is also, like tone, something that can come naturally or must be learned. It is harder to learn. I know people who have never figured it out. That's alright, as that's what editors are for. But when it comes naturally, it certainly makes writing easier. 'Voice' is no where more important than in a PhD. There is an academic voice that is needed, just like there is in academic tone. But within that are other voices: the active and the passive. They each have their place. Many people will say a research paper should only use active, but passive is important, and combining the two at the right point in time, even more so.

But this is also important in prose, and passive voice is not good for a novel. Time and again you will hear 'take it out!' shouted loud and clear. Novelising is active. But passive has it's place too, in historical books, in reflecting, and character introspective. Don't just throw it out and be done.

And although vocal and word order is important in academia, it doesn't make or break it I've found. Going over board is as bad an idea as being too simple. But in prose, sometimes, that one word can change an entire scene, or explain a character trait. Or have everything click. Word choice is hugely important, and how those words are presented, even more so. But that is, after all, why words are so important to writers and why they call to us from out in the wide universe, demanding to be put on paper. And it is, in the end, why we write.

How to Write a Synopsis

Here's the thing, after a great deal of research, it seems that a lot of agents still ask for a synopsis and not just a query letter (or actual pages). So, as well as working on editing and editing and re-editing the query letter (and still editing the novel), I'm also writing a synopsis.

Google was particularly unhelpful when I asked it how to do this. It was super helpful with the query letter, so I was rather disappointed by this. Most of the links that came up said things like 'there's not one way to write a synopsis' or 'everyone has a different way to do this' or 'it's hard to give advise on the dreaded synopsis'.

None of those filled me with much confidence. But after a bunch of sites, it became apparent that even if there is not 'one way', there is a bunch of things NOT to do, and there's a few things that YOU MUST do. Unsurprisingly, neither of these lists were as clear-cut as the query letter ones. Are you getting a theme here?

One of my favourite things on the NOT to do list was: don't make it sound like a story. And for a while that confused me a lot, because it's the synopsis of a story, how can it not sound like a story? But after reading a bunch of sample synopses online, I realized what they were getting at. It's supposed to be boring. It's supposed to be 'this is what happens' and then 'this is what happened afterwards'.

That doesn't mean it has to be dry as dust or just a statement of events. One of the best pieces of advice Google gave me was to remember to put emotion into the synopsis. The story is all about how the characters feel and react to the events that happen, and the synopsis has to convey that. So it can't just be all 'Character X goes to a party and meets character Y.' 'Character Y is a bad boy and isn't good for her'. 'Character X falls in love with character Y.' OMG I'm bored already. There's no emotion in that. There's no story in that. It shouldn't sound like a story, but it should clearly show that you've written a story. A story is not just a bunch of things happening. It has to have emotion.

Now how to show that in the synopsis. Well, I'll get back to you, shall I, because I'm still writing it. Like the query letter, it's a work in progress. It takes time. It takes a lot of rewriting and reworking. It takes a lot of editing. And a lot of having other people read it and tell me how wrong it is. I'm not sure I'll ever be 'happy' with it, but I will reach the stage that I have to let it go. And hopefully, at the end of the day, the query will make the first impression...and the synopsis won't blow it too badly.

The Dreaded Query Letter

I've been clandestinely working on a query letter for months now. Perhaps even since I first started writing the novel. For purposes of being mysterious, I'm going to call that novel Jordan Valley in these blog posts, but that is only its working title. I have a secret one I prefer and hope ends up being the published title.

After I had the novel written (which was by last spring) I started crafting a pitch for it. I kept it to 200 words, even though I know a pitch is often only a 100. I re-wrote it several times, then had a friend review it, then worked on it again. A few weeks ago, I took that pitch and started to write it into a query letter.

Janet Reid suggests a good query letter will take about two months to write, with several iterations. I guess one could say I've been working on this one for about that long, if you count the number of times I re-wrote the pitch. I've used most of that pitch in the query, but restructured it to fit the format Reid suggests.

If you haven't encountered Janet Reid, and are attempting to query a novel, I don't know where you've been. Her blog Query Shark is indispensable. There is a lot of information online about how to write a query. Reid offers a lot of information of how not to, and that's actually more useful. There are hundreds of queries she's critiqued, and also many of them give multiple iterations, so you can see how the author evolved the query with Reid's help. A lot of it may seem like common sense, but obviously there are a lot of people out there writing bad queries. And although a good query doesn't guarantee a book deal...it certainly helps a great deal.

I'm still working on it, and then it's going to go to a lot of people before it goes anywhere near an agent. Because that is how you do it.

[Also, because that's how long it's going to take me to work up the courage to actually send the damn thing out to anyone.]

What Happens After NaNo

I talk a lot about NaNo, but beyond complaining about editing, I haven't really talked about the afterwards. Often, there isn't an afterwards. Half-finished or un-edited novels languish on hard drives the world over and no one ever gives them a second glance.

That is what happened with my first two novels. I finished them, but I never edited them. Mostly, I thought they were crap and might as well be rewritten from scratch than edited.

But in 2014 I wrote a novel for NaNo that I didn't think was an utter waste of words. I spent all of last year editing it, and even had it test read. I'm still polishing up the last few things on my long list of 'issues', but at least those are the little things like continuity of hair colour and making sure the calendar is right (there are a lot of events that happen in a very few number of days - and there are still only 24 hours in a day in this world).

Editing was not fun. There were times it was, but overall it was as hard work as writing the novel had been, and that hadn't been easy. This was not one of those 'words flowed onto the page' novels. This was a lot of work to outline, plot, world build, and then write. And it was just as hard to edit afterwards. It was scary as anything to have test read, because I've offered up plenty of my writing for public consumption, but never let a single person near my novels. Asking people to 'please read this and give me your brutally honest opinion' is terrifying. There's no way to do it without thinking 'what if they say it's awful and I should just delete it?'

They didn't, thankfully. They were actually very supportive and very helpful, and found issues I hadn't noticed. One of them was especially excited, because it was exactly her sort of genre and she fell in love with the story. Which is always a nice pick-me-up. That didn't mean she didn't send me a long list of questions, though, but at least I know what I have now is something she'd pick up off a book shelf. So I have a reading audience of one. It's a start.

Now I'm struggling with the next big thing: building an audience and a brand. I have no desire to self-publish (unless I exhaust every other avenue), but I still want to position myself in a way that will appeal to agents. I don't have a website (well, not one that's public anymore - thankfully), but I do have this blog. And so it's going to become much more writing focused in the coming weeks. And I'm going to be much more honest about the nitty-gritty. This is just the introduction post.

Best Laids Plans of Writers and Academics

Let me just be honest: I gave up on December NaNo about December 3rd. I had the best of intentions, but like many things in life, even the best laid plans have to be sidetracked. December is the type of month that can either be great for me, or miserable, or both. This year, it's not been a particularly good month, and it never helps that I get anxious this time of year about the fact that another year is ending and I didn't do half the things I wanted to.

But that's normal. That's par for the course. But it makes writing hard. I also know from experience that I am much better in an empty house. I cannot write in public places. I also can't write very well in company. And I've had nothing but company this month, even more so than in November (and I managed NaNo with international travel!) It happens. I am slowly ploughing away at finishing the novel I didn't quite manage to finish last month (to be fair, 50k is rather short, and this one needs to be 70k).

That is my only goal this month. I am trying to be kind to myself and do only what I can actually manage each day, and not feel like a failure if I don't accomplish the To Do list. Or feel guilty for not being able to. I promised myself a year ago I would start doing this, and then life threw a loop-d-loop my way and this year has been full of (not always pleasant) surprises. Instead, I am making that promise again. Do only what I can. There are times to push oneself, and I'm generally pretty good at those, but for the rest of this year, I need to just be okay.

And that's enough for the busiest, craziest, most expensive month of the year. There is absolutely nothing wrong with baby steps. I think this might be what people mean when they talk about the year after the PhD.

Two for One

This year I am doing back-to-back NaNo, although it remains to be seen how December will go, with family commitments and such. I aim to try, at least.

I am writing two very different novels. This is the only way to do it, I feel, much like reading two books at once. If the books are similar, you may confuse the plots if you go back and forth between them. With two very different stories, that becomes less of an issue. And so too with writing. I chose two plots that have absolutely nothing to do with each other, in two different genres, for different ages.

The first novel I started at the beginning of November got me through 19000 words, before I hit a block. It's okay, because I'll get back to that one in December, and if I manage a full NaNo I will have completed the necessary word count.

The other novel that I started in on when I hit writer's block on the first will be longer, but I've been 'cheating'. That is, I've been writing the required 1667 words a day, but several days a week I've been doing extra words. It means I'm at about 45k now, which is where I should be for a NaNo novel if I'd started it on November 1st. I'll hit 50k for this month, and then will have to write another 15k or so to finish it off. Perhaps between writer's blocks in December. I may just spend the first week of December finishing this one off so I can focus on the other one (and not get distracted). We'll see. It's only the 28th.

What are the novels about, you ask? You didn't, but someone reading this is wondering. You'll have noticed I don't really talk about what I'm actually writing on this blog, and there are reasons for that. Until my stories are 'finished' they are very personal for me, and I don't like sharing something that isn't complete.

Still, no harm done in a short plot synopsis.

The first book I started was junior fiction, about a young girl who has to move to a new city when her mother gets a job transfer. She keeps hoping and wishing that her parents will decide to move back home. But then her mother is killed in a car accident, and the young girl blames herself, because she wished so hard that something would happen that would let her go home. The only person she feels understands what she is going through is her bedroom's resident ghost. A young boy named Timothy who died a 100 years before.

I've never written junior before, so it's been an interesting lesson in language and kids stuff. We'll see how it goes, but I wanted to branch out and see if I could do it. And also, the hook for it was brilliant.
The second book is a memoir and it is entirely a selfish pleasure. After I got back from Spain I wrote a guidebook for the camino, that was half guidebook and half memoir, but I've never been particularly happy with it. For one, it's not fiction at all. So I decided to try my hand at making it fiction. It worked for Cheryl Strayed. And it's kind of going alright, although it may be entirely unmarketable. It will certainly not be the first novel I query. But they say write what you know, and I know this more than anything, because I lived it.

If I can make 100k by the end of the year, I'll be quite happy. Since I finished That Winter Book this year too, and edited it. Not bad for 2015.

Oh yeah, and I got my PhD too.

And good heavens, how time flies

The 11th already, where does the time go? Oh, right. [Never mind, I remembered what I spent the last week doing.]

But onwards and upwards are the mottos of National Novel Writing Month, and so we go on (unless you've given up already, which I wouldn't recommend). I've discovered a small advantage to deciding to do back-to-back NaNos. When you get stuck on one novel, simply work on the other. You still hit your word count, you still get further along in the plot, and you still contribute the success of both.

One of these is so much easier to write than the other, and there's a simple reason for that. They say 'write what you know' and I've usually taken that to heart. Or at least 'write what you love'. But this time, this time I'm challenging myself and it's not going so well. Oh, I hit 18000 words or so, so it's not a total disaster, but it's not been easy. I'm way out of my comfort zone here (a worrying fact, if you knew what my last novel had entailed). So, I went back to the 'easy' one. The one that's me. The one that's my story. This is literally writing what I know. And who I know. And how I know it. And, for now, that's just going to have to be good enough. I'll get back to the other one later, even if later is December.

Once Again...It's November

You know what that means. We've been through this before. Differently, I have nothing else to distract me this month (except Pinterest), and so I have high plans for National Novel Writing Month this year. High, high, plans.

However, I have few plans for this blog, beyond perhaps the occasional post that might give you some idea of the confusing pathways of my mind and how I create stories. Mostly, the number of these posts will be directly proportional to the amount of writer's block I suffer. Therefore, no promises.

Just...stay tuned! And wish me luck!

Stress and the Machine

Ostensibly I have seven novels on the go. Ostensibly. The reality is that two of them are with test readers, one of them is sitting untouched (for 8 months) on my hard drive, two of them are no more than a summary, and two of them are on my to-edit list this summer. So, actually, right now I have no novels on the go.

This would be grand in most circumstances. Particularly if those circumstances were: agent man is looking for more books to sell. But I don't have an agent, or a single book sold, or even time to query any of the books that are works-in-progress.

Instead, I am revising a thesis. There are few things I dislike more than academic editing. I can think of a few, but most of them involve death and dismemberment. I am not an avid editor, but I can just about manage with fictional editing; academic editing is another kettle of fish (barrel of monkeys?). I spent five months last year editing this thesis, and now I'm spending another five months editing this thesis, and in many ways I am simply taking what I already changed once and changing it again (sometimes back to what it was originally!). I am bored and disheartened and thoroughly, thoroughly, frustrated with the whole thing. As usual with editing, one edit changes five other things, or you remember that if you reword this you have to go find that other sentence 10k words later and reword it too. It's awful. But it's revisions, and just like editing a novel, it has to get done.

But in many ways, I'm lucky. I have nothing else to do with my time except plug away on this, so in many ways it is not very stressful. That's not to say it isn't stressful. It is. Anything on which your future career lies engenders stress. This is not, however, as stressful as the first round of edits was last autumn where my feeling was 'it's utter shite, what am I going to do?' Now it's a matter of considering 'well, they told me it wasn't shite, so I just have to take it from being acceptable to being good'. That means less stress as well.

I had no idea what I was doing the first time. No one does, the first time they write a thesis. I had about three different research questions and it took - what felt like - forever to figure out which one was the actual one (jury is still out on whether it was the right one). Even at the end I was still stressing about whether it was a good research question. So that stress is gone now, for which I am very grateful. And yet, some little niggling voice in my head still thinks maybe there was another way. I try not to give it much voice time.

So, I plug away, slowly but surely. When before I editing whole sections in a day, now I go one paragraph at a time. I am hoping that is a good thing. That I am being even more dedicated and careful. Time will only tell. What I do know is that it leaves me a lot of time for other things; things that reduce my lower stress even further and that I - mostly - enjoy.

Next week, look for a review of the Royal Ontario Museum's new blockbuster exhibition 'Pompeii: In the Shadow of the Volcano', and possibly some future ramblings about supervising and consultancy. Because apparently that is a thing I now do.

The End is Nigh

No, okay, the apocalypse isn't coming. Well, at least not to me. In my novel it's already been and gone and humanity is dealing with the utopian aftermath. But in real life, 'apocalypse' is a nice turn of phrase that we rather overuse. After all, December 2012 passed without any adverse effects, despite dire predictions to the contrary because people don't understand Mayan cultural history.

But I digress. I've been doing a lot of that these days, because - like a five year old who's grown up on technology - I do in fact have no attention span whatsoever. Even writing a blog post takes more concentration than I can typically expend. This is, unfortunately, normal in the final months of a PhD. That doesn't, however, make it easier to live with. I am quite proud of my ability to focus on one thing for - literally - days on end, but even the things I used to expend vast amounts of time on last me about five minutes now.

So no, the apocalypse is not coming, but the end is - thankfully - nigh. And that's a blessing, because the inability to focus is a frustration and only adds to the stress I'm already experiencing as being about to submit. It makes editing hard. It makes watching television hard. It makes meetings next to impossible. I lose track and focus from one minute to the next and honestly forget what I was about to say half way through a sentence. It's not particularly fun, living this way. But the end is nigh and - I can hope - it does get better afterwards.

If you have read the above three paragraphs, you have all the proof I need of my lack of focus. The overall theme may be the same, and we might end where we began, but even those 19 sentences skip around, backtrack, repeat and sometimes make little to no sense even to me.

Though, if they do make sense to you, that's proof I'm suffering from problems other than just a lack of focus, so please let me know.

Hello and Welcome...

...To my nest of insanity, that is.

There are certain things that would be inadvisable to do in the last month before you submit your doctoral thesis. The first would be to go on holiday (that comes after). The second would be to suddenly quit (awfully late for all the work you've put into it).

And the third? The third would be to sign up to National Novel Writing Month with a goal of 50,000 words.

Naturally, I did option three, because I'm a masochist, an idiot, overambitious and any other negative comment you want to send my way. It's okay, I know how stupid I am. But it's done and there is no undoing it now.

The upshot is that the novel that was supposed to be written over the winter can now be edited over the winter, so I might actually be able to query it next year along with Amoron. I'm not sure it's advisable to query two novels at once, but since I don't like to either be normal or to do advisable things, I guess I can try.

In other news I submitted my final draft of the thesis to the second supervisor, who has to sign off on it from an internal examiner point of view before I can submit to the university. I am therefore just crossing my fingers and praying/wishes/hoping/fretting that he doesn't come back next week with major corrections, because I only have until the 24th to do them! And write a novel!

And hang myself because I'm an idiot.

In regards to finally getting the draft done, it feels anti-climatic. I have, unfortunately, now been told this is normal and will be what the next few months of my life feel like. That's not exactly great to hear, so I apologise for sharing. It appears that most of the stress and climactic feelings of misery leave you behind at this point (if you submit on time) and don't really give way to anything other than 'well, okay, what to I do now?' until the viva which (if you pass) leads to more anti-climactic feelings of 'right, so I can get on with my life now?'

This isn't exactly the happy exciting relief-filled time I was planning on. However, in a strange way, it solidifies what I thought post-submission is like, which is basically a month of being unable to do anything because you are exhausted and have no ability to focus. It's like a four year old who's watched too much telly growing up. Exciting times.

But this is a really strange part of the process, and not one anyone really talks about. They talk about after submission. They talk about those last months of writing up misery. But the part between those two? Not so much. I really have no idea what to even attempt to do with myself, except take my supervisor's advise yesterday (which was: 'enjoy the three day conference and spend some time with your friends'). So, I am enjoying the conference, and planning time with friends.

And I went shopping. And I'm trying to catch my already-behind-word-count for NaNo.

Further up and further in. Winter is coming.

Yes well, that was unplanned

These things happen, of course. Sometimes I feel they only happen to me, but that's clearly not the case. The last month has been rather a constant schedule of changing plans, but I think it's finally starting to settle again (*knocks on wood*) so I can get back to actually knowing what I'll be doing for the next week. Which is about the only stress relief I conceivably get these days, so I've naturally missed it. I have nowhere to be in the next two months, and no pressing concerns other than my thesis (in fact, no non-pressing concerns that I currently know about). Hopefully that means I can get back on and remain on track until this is done.

In writing news, I am editing. Which is not really writing, per se, but yet it is. It is writing because there are some new words to put to paper, and yet it's not because it's really just rewriting sections to sound better, or moving sections around, or adding in references. To me, writing is sitting down and writing, editing is much more piecemeal, and for that reason, often more difficult. But today went alright, considering it was my first go, and I have a game plan for tomorrow. I think I'm going to very much take this one day at a time, but eventually I'll get there (by the 25th, one hopes). If I can manage a chapter every few days, we'll be fine. I haven't seen four of the chapters yet and have no idea what their corrections are like, but for the ones I have, 2-3 days per chapter is entirely doable. Particularly when I am no longer ill with the fugue.

Concurrently, because my Muse is entirely like that, I started yet another novel, for which I have my holiday relaxing to account for. I'll never actually write the thing but the idea is there if I ever get bored (or run out of more usable novel bunnies [plot bunnies, but more encompassing]). I know not to fight it now, anyways, and if my Muse wants to write about lost Rus princesses and weird versions of immortality, that's her business and I won't argue too much. I really would, however, prefer she devoted her time to the actual usable novel bunny instead, but one can't have everything. As long as she doesn't abandon me, we're okay here.

It is hard to believe it's October already. Of 2014. Really, this year has contained so many things, and has gone so quickly and yet so slowly at the same time. I really would like to be done with it, not least because I have high hopes for 2015 (well, higher). But right now there are two months left, plenty of miserable weather to contend with, and a thesis to finish, so I suppose I'll not have to worry about time passing too slowly.

In Conclusion

I have always found conclusions to be especially difficult things to write. I know rather a lot of people who find introductions the hardest, but those are easy. Starting is always easy, ending is never that.


I have just begun Chapter 8, which is the conclusion. I have a very detailed outlined of what needs to go into it, and it should be easy to follow, but I'm struggling nonetheless. I am struggling to find the words I have not already said in 70,000, that say the same things I did in the first 5000. I am struggling, really, to understand how a thesis I lost interest in six months ago can remotely be said to be useful and interesting for my field (or others). I am struggling to justify the last three years of my life in a few thousands words. And really, the main reason for that is because I am struggling to justify the last three years of my life period.


It seems to be running rampant in my department right now, but most people I know are questioning the sanity of doing their PhDs. We are all wondering why we are doing this and why it sounded like a good idea and why we just didn't take that job that probably would have gotten us a promotion (or at least a permanent position) by now. I think the main reason for this department wide questioning is because we all thought, three years ago, that that was enough time for the world to sort itself out. That by the time we graduated there would be jobs again. But they're aren't. It's still very difficult to get employment in this sector. It's still something that takes years and years of struggle and after years of struggling to get through academic (and get our careers started amidst that) we are all wondering if we'll ever actually get anywhere.


I look back on the last twelve years of my life since I first went off to university and I wonder - I can't help it - why I made the choices I did. I am grateful for so many things in those twelve years, and ungrateful for so many others. We take the good with the bad, and that's life. But after twelve years of upwards struggle to find my place, I know there are many more years left before I secure that place and I cannot help but wonder when I will ever be in a place financially, professionally or personally that I won't lie awake every night worried about tomorrow. I'm very tired of worrying and wondering.


And maybe the real reason it's so hard to write conclusions is because you know it's the end. That something else has to start and that's always going to be exciting but frightening. This conclusion is the conclusion of my PhD (not nearly, still 6 months to go after this) and therefor the conclusion of what is the background of my career. Now I have to work on the career, and that's an introduction I am both thrilled and terrified about, but it still means the end of something and ends are always hard.

Good heavens, golly and gosh. Or rather, bloody hell.

It's been a while, hasn't it? Let me tell you what my life has consisted of for the last 6 weeks.

Writing. Swearing. Writing. Sleeping. Procrastinating. Procrastinating. Procrastinating. [Not necessarily in that order or weighted to that number of times the word is repeated.]

In other words, I haven't had a lot to write about, and writing has sort of been the issue. It's not writer's block. Because I write something every day. It is, rather, a complete and utter lack of conviction towards writing this thesis. I'm over it. I really, really am. I just want it to be done already. I don't want to spend the next four months finishing it and then have to viva and then have to fix it. I want to be done already. I want to be employed and making money to start paying off that massive debt over my head. I want to live in my own place (rented though that will be). I want to get on with my life. I'm over the PhD. Three years doesn't sound like a long commitment (my undergrad was five), but I'm telling you now, at this stage in my life, three years is a bloody too long commitment. Too long chained to one thing with no way out. I knew that, theoretically, when I started this, but theory and practice are (as my thesis shows) two different things.

But I'm waxing lyrical and there's no point. Because I am not done. Because I may just have another 12 months of this to go. And there is no choice here. This isn't one of those crossroads in life where I get to decide which path I turn down. No, there is only one path, and no shortcut (or long cut) across country either. I'm all about forging new paths, but in this case there's a cliff on either side and I'm walking a very narrow bridge. It's go forward or go back. And how do you go back on life already lived?

[You don't.]

So, I haven't really had much of note to talk about with you, my readers. Each day is an effort to keep my head above water, and each night I am thankful to find my bed and rest (when I can). And that is going to be my life for the foreseeable future. I can't think past that, I really can't. Because for me, passed this doesn't exist in anything other than the most abstract terms, and I've never been good with abstract (art or theory).

I go on, each day. I get up, I write what I need to, I try not to hate it too much, I eat, I sleep, I go to the gym when all else fails, I try not to be too depressed, and tomorrow I get up and do it all again. 

Possibly, however, that's normal.

It be Summer

I have 9000 words of a chapter due in 11 days, and I can't for the life of me really tell you what it's about. I know what it should be about. I know what it needs to be about. But at this point, it's become more about manipulating the data to fit the chapter, so that this chapter aligns with the next chapter (which I don't have to manipulate the data for). So it's forced. I hate forced writing.

I need to write 800-1000 words a day if I'm going to finish this on time (in order to start the next chapter that has a rather firm due date).

I have been using a segmentation writing style suggested to me by a palaeontologist. I know, that sounds weird. But it's working. It automatically separates everything down into 500-1000 words segments in the first place, which makes writing easier. It also requires that the entire chapter be outlined in detail (down to, you know, 1.1.2.3, for example) before writing commences, so you know what goes where. I'm not usually this scientific when I write, but it appears to be helping me organise my thoughts. I think it's not very historical, or even really social science-y, but it's working, so I'm going to keep doing it. Hopefully it won't pose too many difficulties when it comes time to finalising the whole thesis before submission (in 5 months - gods help me).

Right now (nearly wrote that as 'write' now - clearly the PhD is having an adverse brain effect), I just need to start writing, but I'm really rather afraid this chapter is going to be as hard as I think it will be, and therefore cause me a lot of grief to write. And grief isn't something I want to deal with, I'm sure you can understand. I don't want to be slamming my head into the desk time and again for the next 11 days.

But I must. I really, really must. I have a PhD writing buddy now, and we are trying to motivate each other to hit our daily word counts, and suffer through together. I think it's helping a bit. I'm a bit more motivated, at least.

Of course, booking a hiking trip to the Peaks when I finish this chapter should help too...

The 'Starting Writing Writer's Block'

We've all suffered through it. You know you need to write something. You know what you need to write (well, mostly), but you can't seem to write it.

I have re-written my thesis outline three times in as many days. For future reference, doing so does not making writing the thesis easier. But it was worth a try.

I have been trying to take a new stance on life. When I cannot write, I will not stress about it. When I desperately need to write and nothing happens, I will not have an anxiety attack and lose sleep. Mostly, this is working relatively well. The unfortunate thing is that, no matter how I feel psychologically, the deadline is still getting closer.

I have two deadlines this month. They are both the same day. Neither is flexible. I am entirely certain the work for one of them will get done by then. That one, alas, is not my thesis. The thesis, despite my new stance on life, is worrying me.

My issue is simple (it's not). In my glory of being original, I got a little carried away. My thesis hinges on two disparate theories from two (almost opposing) disciplines, neither of which have ever been used for the discipline I work in. Possibly I went a little overboard (though my supervisor thinks otherwise). One theory informs my data collection, the other my data analysis. The first is not the problem. The second is supposed to be helping me structure the second half of the thesis, but instead it seems to be making it harder. However, at this stage, letting it go isn't really an option (not without rethinking my conclusions, redoing my analysis, and reworking the first half of the (already written) thesis). And I have a deadline I have to meet. In other words, I need to make it work.

It would be easier if certain people answered their emails, of course.

So now I am reduced to eating cooking chocolate, because it's the only thing in the house, drinking more tea than I need to on a reasonably warm day, and trying to rewrite the outline for a fourth time. All the while knowing that I have to do my other work this afternoon, or that deadline will become problematic too. And I might as well achieve one of them.

We Come to it at Last

Yes, I quoted Gandalf. These things are necessary.

This will be my last post from Denmark. I have one week left here before I fly back to London.

It's been a ride, that's for sure. A string of personal issues and problems back in Canada have gone side by side with a really enjoyable time at a new university, with new people, inspiration for my thesis, and exploring a great country. So it's been a roller coaster and no mistake! But that's a bit like life in general, it's just all been condensed into a few short months!

I am looking forward to getting back now. I've reached that tipping point. I miss my giant bed and I definitely miss not having to climb up three flights of stairs with groceries. I also desperately miss the gym across the road and can't wait to get back to exercising. I have to run 5 miles in July, so the training starts next week. And really, I miss the department and all my fellow PhDs (and adopted PhDs). I'll spend the first week just catching up with people! It's the only thing I've really missed the longest, has been having friends around to have coffee with, but I've managed well enough on my own. I'm sort of conditioned to that.

My word count for my thesis is 35,000. I have another 7,000 of that planned out, but the missing 35,000 is what is worrying me. It's three chapters and at this point in time I have no idea what's going to go into them! I have a month now to figure it out (which isn't as long as it sounds). Hence, we come to it at last. This will definitely be the battle part of this thesis writing. I have May through July to draft it, so I am hoping to have a workable and very detailed plan by the beginning of May. The plan is always the hardest part, after that, the writing gets a bit easier. I am looking forward to speaking with Ross again and hoping he's as inspirational as he always has been!

On the other hand of writing (you knew there was going to be another hand), I have two novel ideas outlined, and one of them is at nearly 7000 words already (barely one chapter, in fact). I'm pretty pleased with it as a publishable idea (somewhere in the distant future *cough*nextyear*cough*). I will have to get the short guide book out first, because that's the time sensitive one, but that's Christmas' project. This one can be January or February's project, as knowing me I will probably have it written and edited by then. Because what better to do when you should be writing a PhD then to draft a post-apocalypse romance? Draft a YA mystery instead, I suppose. [Don't ask.]

I'm keeping busy, at least! And feeling generally pretty good about that half of my life. The other half will sort itself out in time.

As Always…Apologies

I meant to update last month, but I've been taking care of another blog and my posting creativity went towards updating it.

February is always a bad month in academia. You would think, because it is short, that it would be the best month, but it isn't. In academia, Christmas holidays always last partly into January, so by the time life resumes normally, the month is already partly over and your post-New-Years-resolutions can usually get you through the rest of it. But by the time February rolls around you've run out of motivation. It's cold and grey outside (well, in any country I've ever lived) and you know you have deadlines to meet and work to do, so even if it was sunny you can't be out enjoying it. You know the spring (Easter holidays) are still a rather long way away so it's hard to look forward to them.

February is like Thursdays. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

But now February is over. And I had high hopes for March. March 1st always puts me in a really good mood. Except this year. This year March 1st did not put me in anything other than a really depressed and distracted mood. And that's not a great way to start the 'spring'. I have 6000 words to write by March 15th and I have no desire to write a single one of them. At all. Not just the fact I'm unmotivated, but I can't even focus my thoughts into a single sentence. I know if I find my drive I can get them written, though they won't be great. But, honestly, I don't actually care. I'm 9 months away from finishing my PhD and I just don't really care anymore. And I know that's normal. I know I've reached that 'I've been at this too long' stage and that I need to get over it and move forward into the 'let's just finish this' stage. I know that.

But I really don't want to. A lot changed two days ago. And yet nothing did. And I'm sort of struggling to come to terms with those two opposing views and the future. And in light of all that soul searching and emotional baggage, writing a PhD is getting lost in my mental shuffle. But these things happen. Especially in my department (2013 was a bad year for many people, 2014 is going to be my bad year apparently). Everyone made it through. I will too. But right now, it's hard to see the end, despite the fact that it's getting ever closer.

There's a conference this week. I am hoping talking to like-minded academics and hearing how passionate they are about their work will get me going again. One can hope. Otherwise…December is a long time from now, but August is a mite too close.