Monday, March 3, 2014

As Always…Apologies

I meant to update last month, but I've been taking care of another blog and my posting creativity went towards updating it.

February is always a bad month in academia. You would think, because it is short, that it would be the best month, but it isn't. In academia, Christmas holidays always last partly into January, so by the time life resumes normally, the month is already partly over and your post-New-Years-resolutions can usually get you through the rest of it. But by the time February rolls around you've run out of motivation. It's cold and grey outside (well, in any country I've ever lived) and you know you have deadlines to meet and work to do, so even if it was sunny you can't be out enjoying it. You know the spring (Easter holidays) are still a rather long way away so it's hard to look forward to them.

February is like Thursdays. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

But now February is over. And I had high hopes for March. March 1st always puts me in a really good mood. Except this year. This year March 1st did not put me in anything other than a really depressed and distracted mood. And that's not a great way to start the 'spring'. I have 6000 words to write by March 15th and I have no desire to write a single one of them. At all. Not just the fact I'm unmotivated, but I can't even focus my thoughts into a single sentence. I know if I find my drive I can get them written, though they won't be great. But, honestly, I don't actually care. I'm 9 months away from finishing my PhD and I just don't really care anymore. And I know that's normal. I know I've reached that 'I've been at this too long' stage and that I need to get over it and move forward into the 'let's just finish this' stage. I know that.

But I really don't want to. A lot changed two days ago. And yet nothing did. And I'm sort of struggling to come to terms with those two opposing views and the future. And in light of all that soul searching and emotional baggage, writing a PhD is getting lost in my mental shuffle. But these things happen. Especially in my department (2013 was a bad year for many people, 2014 is going to be my bad year apparently). Everyone made it through. I will too. But right now, it's hard to see the end, despite the fact that it's getting ever closer.

There's a conference this week. I am hoping talking to like-minded academics and hearing how passionate they are about their work will get me going again. One can hope. Otherwise…December is a long time from now, but August is a mite too close.

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