It's passed the middle of August, at which time I am used to undergoing an emotional turmoil wherein I can't decide whether going back to school is a yay or a nay.
This year I don't have this conflicting emotion, because I'm not going back. I noticed it less last year (my first September where I was not in school), because the Returned to Canada rollercoaster kept me busy enough. So, this year feels a bit strange. Mostly, I feel like I'm floundering in the big ocean of Real Life, barely hanging on to the life preserver that is a part time job, and still trying to find the nearest bit of land that may be proper work. So far, nothing has appeared in sight in the last 11 months. I'm not hopeful.
I could, of course, have returned to school next month. I could have found something to do another degree in or a diploma. But when it comes right down to it, what's the point? I'd just be unemployed in another field and I'd be less interested in pursuing it till it kills me. All of which politely suggests to my brain that I'd better do something about this in the next 12 months, because going through this again isn't exactly agreeable.
I am, of course, currently taking another project management course; a subject of which I have about as much interest as, say, the biology of amphibians. But it means that, two days a week, I have something to focus on beyond going stir crazy. It is also temporary, and will be over long before NaNo rears it's head again. A fact for which I am grateful. I am hoping that November will at least be a distraction from everything else, and perhaps the achievement of writing 50,000 words again will at least carry me over into Christmas. Provided I finish this novel this year, rather than dragging it into February of another year. As my non-recent updates might suggest, the novel idea is going about as well as the job hunt.
I think it's partly that I'm a bit bored again. I get this way after a few months of doing the same thing. I bore easily, I know. I am still happier than I was after three months of retail, don't get me wrong! And much happier than I'd be if I was, say, unemployed. There still feels as if I am in a holding pattern waiting for my life to begin. At 27 I'm starting to wonder... I've met 21 year olds who have it more together.
It's been a bit of a comfort to be around the family this summer. So far, I am the only university student among the grandchildren that didn't change their major after First Year. I stuck with it, for 6 years. Nor did I give up on my original dream when I started university. I feel that I can count that as an accomplishment, since this is the family that is Awesome At Everything and Never Fails at Anything. I like to think they can take pride in the fact that at least I haven't given up. It make take years, but I'm not walking away from this, at least permanently. In the interim, probably yes, because one has to make a living somehow and job applications do not constitute paying rent.
[Not that I do. Though I'd like to.]
Right now, though, the contemplation of a PhD is more a stop gap. Please don't get me wrong, I want a PhD. I just imagined it would be something for another time in my life (hopefully another decade older). Now it seems as if it's becoming my only option because it is my only option. I don't know how feeling forced is going to help matters. And the positive of being the first grandchild (maybe the only one) to have Dr. in front of my name is probably not enough to carry me through even Year One. But it's enough to make me try. I am banking on the fact that I don't quit on things to carry me through.
We'll see. Step One: Stop faffing about and email Leicester.
